I wonder

Music, music, music... just the thing I need to guide me through these days. My past is returning, sadly it is too late. I shouldn't say sadly though. I am happy it is too late. I happen to love where I am right now. Tired as I am, I wouldn't change a damn thing. I didn't expect to meet this new person. I even more so didn't expect to feel this way. I need to keep a handle on it though, can't rush, yet I can't slow down.

I think I will delve into recent interest. I'm still building this easel. I would have been done by now, but I can't seem to keep myself from taking naps. I'm excited about next weekend actually. I have decided to go visit my friends in Austin. I'll get to see the best friend I haven't seen in a long while. I must say Jeremy has changed a lot. He definitely isn't quite the same person I knew. I still carry all those memories of me, him, and Alden. I Don't know how we grew so far apart. When we are together though. It seem that nothing has changed when we are together though. I'm excited to see this bird I know. It truly has been too long. No interruptions this time.

Last night was truly a night to remember. Things are becoming more and more natural, more and more comfortable. I wonder what this wish is. I wonder what this day brings. I wonder what she's thinking. I wonder...

"I still see my reflection inside of my eyes. They are looking for purpose, they are looking for life." - Jason Wade

Chapter 1

So I guess it starts here. A new story if you will. There will be some people you recognize, and there will also be new characters introduced. This is the first chapter. It isn't very long. Let's start it by saying I hear a heartbeat.

"She's got a way with words, but they never say anything you want to hear. She's got a way with time, but it's never on your side. It's keeping me in the past. She'll write it on her skin, so that it sinks in, it's everything she wants to do. I can feel it in my bones, can you feel it too?"

This is the first chapter... some might say the first verse. We will see where the chorus takes me. One thing I know is that my voice has returned.

"Her last time to feel clean, in broken english she says... I lost everything." -TWT

May 12th 2010

Happiness

Needless to say I am exhausted. Exhausted... I love that word. Mainly because it sounds like what it is. I can't remember the last time I was this tired. It is definitely something I can get used to though. I was listening to a song last night "Happiness" by The Fray. What is happiness? Is it a state of being happy? Full of laughter? An absent of sadness? The truth is "happiness is a lot like sorrow, you can't make it come or go" It comes when it wants, and it leaves just the same. I am truly a happy person at the moment. There are still however, a few things weighing me down. The lack of happiness isn't one of them.

The absence of my family, constant struggles with a friend, a current situation, the uncertainty of pursuing music. These are the things that make me nervous. I don't know why I started writing in this thing again. All I know is that I feel much better after writing. Sometimes I wonder who reads this, and I wonder if it helps them know me better. I have been told by more than one person that for some reason, the things I write have pertinence to more than just myself. I was told my words, my thoughts, my outlook are things that people listen too. I don't know why either.

I can't seem to go the piano room at MSU and not feel inspired. Just the other day, I was there with someone and was overwhelmed with a need to write, and again last night. I felt a heart beat... really beat. It was astounding. It made me want to write something that fit the rhythm I heard.

Here goes nothing...

May 11th 2010

I Feel..

I'm feeling different these days. I am losing my breath in waves. I truly have not felt like this in years. I am constantly writing, on paper napkins, on cups, on post its, on my hands. This woman is completely different from what I have known. I started studying medicine again, I started listening to a new genre, I started writing again, I've started staying up, I've started waking up tired and alive at the same time, She is much like a drug, I have started...

This isn't another song... these are just my thoughts. This is what I'm feeling. Sometimes it's hard for me to articulate what I want to say when I'm out and about. Sometimes it's easier for me to sit down and organize my thoughts. I wouldn't make sense if I just said everything on my mind at once, without a filter. I'm sure it would be amusing though. It would be a jumble of personalities, bodily observations, and questions. Only my closest friends seem to follow my blog, so I guess it's fitting that y'all know these things.

I'm going to start giving piano lessons again and that excites me : )

I'm dreading something... I know it's going to effect my situation drastically, i can't seem to speak up about it, for fear I'll sink the ship and drag us both down. I'm sure I'm not making sense anymore so I'll leave it at that. I think I'm going to start writing in this everyday. I would like to monitor these days... They seem to be important for a reason I can't explain nor comprehend. The one thing I can say is that my heart is beating... whether it's half of my heart, or the whole thing. The point is that it's beating and for once in a long time... I feel.

May 10th, 2010

Flatline

It has been brought to my attention that I am becoming something I shouldn't. I however feel my actions are the perfect incarnation of my retaliation. Oh this is my revenge, and will spare no heartbreak.

Flatline

"Lights line your bedroom eyes and keep you in demand.
Lust keeps an open door, between the sheets of a man.
You can't stand to be alone, when I slip out the back door,
I only loved you enough to lie, lie, lie.

Oh you're such an easy kill that I can't be satisfied.
Oh you're such a faceless thrill that I can't recognize
That I am the flatline.

Tongue in cheek, grinding teeth, this is exactly what I need.
You're on your hands and knees, you just can't help that I'm so inviting.
I'm living free enough to kill, you're living free enough to die.
I only loved you enough to lie, lie, lie.

You're such an easy kill that I can't be satisfied.
You're such a faceless thrill that I can't recognize
I am the flatline.

When The World Around Is Deep

This song is truly getting me through the bad times... It makes the times themselves not seem so bad. I've seen this band in concert before and I haven't really appreciated their music until now.This song is about not needing the weight of everyday troubles burrowing down on one's shoulders. It sends a great "go out and get it" message. How one doesn't need anything to simply live life. All one needs is the love from those that give them strength. Figuring out the skin I'm walking in has been the trickiest part of my life. I am happy to say, I'm proud of the skin that wraps my bones. This truth drips like honey from my lips, won't you have a sip?


Check this song out, you will not be disappointed, so different from their other songs.

Band- Collective Soul
Album- Dosage
Song- Needs

NEEDS
All around me I see what weakness has made
Too much tomorrow I think I'll take all today
Am I a poison, Am I a thorn in the side
Am I a picture, perfect subject tonight

I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into



Here I slumber to awaken my daze
I find convenience in this savior I save
Am I a prison, Am I a source of dire news
Am I a picture perfect reason for you

I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into

In this time of substitute, It's my needs I've answered to (All the while)
And all the hope that I invest, turns to signals of distress (All the while)

I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into

You're all I need
When the water runs deep
You're all I need
Now I cry my soul to sleep
You're all I need.

From Paris to Tokyo

I believe this is the first time in my life that I've had to find my path completely on my own. I'm going to be brutally honest with my words this time around. I've always been the one to tout my friends as these guardian angles of mine, yet lately when I've needed them the most they have since found their own paths. I can't blame them. We all need to grow up sometime, I just wish the road to where I need to be wasn't paved with so many troubles. That's life though, sometimes the road is paved with light, and sometimes you must navigate through night. It's time to take my time.

From Paris to Tokyo

Standing on one foot with you're eyes on the track,
you're living life through a picture frame.
Stand up strait love, you're a balancing act,
but it's not enough to save your name.
Your hands are tied with this life you wish to live.
My eyes are blind to love you cannot give.

You can't fly with broken wings,
and I can't lie for the things I need.
Even though you shine with the light that's leading me.
I'll search for the dark to keep me company.
That's all I need.

One day you'll live in France
and spend your summers in Japan.
But you'll think of me at 30,000 feet
through a seven hour lifespan.

You can't fly with broken wings
and you can't remember dreams.
Even though you shine with the light that's leading me
I'll have your ghost to keep me company.
That's all I need.

You are you are married to your changing ways
You are you are the words I need to say.
You're a rebellious bird no one can tame.
When I find my voice. I'll say your name
I'll say your name.