Stranded In The Garden State...

Your face it dances, and it haunts me.
Laughter still ringing in my ears.
I still find pieces of your presence here.
Even after all these years... Collin was right.

If I lived till I was one hundred and two, I just don't think I'll ever get over you.

So many things would be different. We're both so much older. I can't help it but I'm back to writing how I used to. Like the only person in the world that mattered was you. Like the only person in the world was you. This isn't for anyone else. Years have passed and I still feel the same. Does that mean anything? Not to sound weird, but what the hell? This is a little ridiculous.

It's not convenient, it's not loneliness, it's not cause it's comfortable. It's the only truth I've known. Yeah, you were awful for a long time. But you have always felt like home.

I have a routine these days. I wont say what it is, but I love it, because I get to think of you. It does involve: pictures, music, pies, letters, and water. I am lucky to still be in your life. I hope that stays the same.


Next stop.... Barcelona?

It was the end of December

So I took a stroll down memory lane. I realized a lot of things. Like for the past 4 years I've been carrying a torch for the same person. I had a talk with a friend and without knowing it she sparked something in brain. I asked her what she dreamt about and she said "life or something like it" This got me thinking about what I dream about these days. so I asked myself...

"Do you dream about life, or something like it? When you close your eyes, what comes to mind? Is it a lie or the truth? The truth is it's always been you."

I tried so hard loving others.

Faking my way through relationships, but I really can't see anything in other people when you look like my past, present and future. This is all sappy and mushy. Not me at all. I really want to not think about it. I know I can make myself see what else is out there. I know I can find things I love in other people. But I think Mr Hay had it right. I swear there are things that bring back such vivid memories. Whether its a cold breeze or a smell. Your face always pops up in my head. The winter smells like us. When we met. I remember hands tucked in coat pockets, frozen rooftops, bears and pipes, music late at night, drawing what our houses looked like on each other; I remember everything. Thinking about the past... it seems to move in slow motion. Look where the miles have taken me. Look where they have taken you. Loving each other may be comfortable, but that doesn't mean it isn't the thing we are best at. I can't stop thinking about how we met and how we grew to know each other. I know it's not even anyone's business, or that anyone else would care. Only my close friends read my blog anyway, but I'll never forget how you looked. Never. I grew just by knowing you. I am the man I am today because of you. The music I make is still inspired by what grew from you. I will be forever grateful for that. I know my heart may be playing tricks on me. I want to remember all the good times. and forget about the bad times. There were bad times. Times of no affection, no understanding, no wanting; but there was never a lack of love. It was because there was still so much love that it made it so hard to say goodbye. There is still a lot of time on my side. Maybe I'll fall in love with someone else. I think that would be a nice thing to feel. I don't know what the future holds though. I always hope it involves you. It's been quite the task holding up these walls for the past year. I admit I've grown tired, which is why I've let them down tonight. I'll do my best to muster up my strength and get back to holding them up again. There is a bet against my future but I'll do my best to not think about it. In the time being I think I'll go to sleep now. Maybe I'll dream about life, or something like it...

Thanks Joss.

The Mathematician and the Scientist

Nothing has changed. If anything, things are stronger now. I'm on my own these days but I have always carried you with me. So in essence. I have never been alone. I'm walking a tightrope above the city. I've always had high hopes though. You only get one life right? Why not shoot for the stars? Even if it means treading dangerous ground. Breathing the emptiness of space to get to those stars is just a part of the learning process. I'll always be beneath your waves.

"There is a bet against my future, but I don't mind.

I'm praying that these sutures don't leave me open wide.

If our roads run parallel, then maybe I'll see you along the way.

Maybe if I'm luck they will meet at the end of the day."

"I'm surprised that I didn't round, Whats to make of it? The parts are not as great as the sum." Now isn't that true? I'm more of myself just by thinking of you. Look where the miles have taken me... look where they have taken you. If you could believe it, I'm still in love with you.

A storm through your windshield

I was sitting in my room thinking about things that have been happening in my life recently and a melody came to me. It was raining outside and I couldn't help but think of someone. I was sure she was sleeping, or driving, or maybe even thinking of me...

"Silence never spoke so loud in the car last night.

My tired eyes never opened so wide, when the secrets came pouring out.

I kept my eyes on the road. You kept your feet on the dashboard

and you just stared out the window...

My fingers stay crossed tonight, that she makes her morning flight.

My fingers stay crossed today, that the storm shows her the way.

As she makes that drive in the dead of night, I start to find...

She's always on my mind.

Things can change in a year, but you'd find things still aren't clear.

Things can change in a month and you'd find it's still not done.

A lot can change in a day but you'd lose the strength to say

that more can change in a moment, and this moment is written all over your face.

My fingers stay crossed tonight, that she makes her morning flight.

My fingers stay crossed today, that the storm shows her the way.

As she makes that drive in the dead of night, I start to find...

She's always on my mind.

Miles could never break your heart.

It's the hours spent awake that set you apart.

These secrets bring us close, and make me say

You can become anything you want, when you're this far away.

My fingers stay crossed tonight, that you make your morning flight.

My fingers stay crossed today, that the storm shows you the way.

As you make that drive in the dead of night, I wonder...

Do I ever cross your mind?

Ready

"I've been waiting for good news. I'll work to continue singing these lines to the same demographic. Be it not perfect, let it be heard. By those taking an interest, not for the critics holding their ears."

I must say, I have the best friends a man could ask for. They truly pull me through rough patches in my life. I feel great today for some odd reason. I got horrible news today on all fronts, but for some strange reason I feel optimistic. It might have been Francis telling me to keep my head up, Aaron telling me not to be an asshole, Scott telling me girls suck anyway, Jeremy laughing at me, Alex telling me that step 82 is complete, or the knowledge that I am trying to do something bigger than this moment. Either way, it straitened me out.

I feel the urge to make a pie right now. It's much too late though. Maybe a good ole fashion cherry pie is in the works for tomorrow. I've decided I haven't seen my friend Chelsey in a while. I think I'll pay her a visit and tell her she is the female Larry Bird.

On a side note it was great talking to my old friend Shaina recently. I admit we were more than just friends in the past. I had quite the thing for her bahahaha. Two Towns is about her. I guess things have come full circle for me. Before I wrote that song for her to hear, so I could get a message to her. Then everyone else heard it and not her. Then a year and a half later, I got that message across to that same girl at a packed show. That's as good a reminder as any as to why I play music. It was good catching up (which is all we did). Even though I claimed and still claim, "she is the girl that got away" my heart beats for another. But some things were said that struck a chord in me. So, for those of you who follow, I'm working on many songs right now, but this one has caught my attention.

"Soft and spoken word of mouth creeps into my ears, from a friend I ain't seen in years. Maybe it's talk but the truth is there. Buried beneath the days, when we couldn't see clear. Words passing through tongue and cheek, slip past your teeth, and reveal the things you didn't mean."

Ready, set.... live.

Your New Twin Sized Bed

"You look so defeated lying there in your new twin sized bed. With a single pillow underneath your single head. I guess you decided that that old queen was more space than you would need. Now it's in the ally behind your apartment with a sign that says free.... It's like were in some kind of hurry, to say goodbye..."

I miss the taste of the air back home. It reminds me of my youth. It appears I'm on a new road. A new chapter if you will. I don't mind being alone for a while. Hopefully this will help me concentrate on what I need to be 100% focused on, getting signed. This year feels nothing like last year. All I've known is distance. All I keep are secrets. I'm gonna give them all away.

I was so misplaced this weekend, like I couldn't understand my feelings. I just know I'm gonna be that jaded asshole sooner or later. I have faith in my band and my friends. I know we are going to achieve our goals. But It will be at the cost of all the things my old life would have wanted. Companionship, furtherment of knowledge, potential friendships, and lack of family. You only get one life though, and this is what I choose to do with mine.

I'll put my hopes on hold, and hopefully experience these dreams with my eyes wide open. I'll always be thinking and waiting for the girl who only sleeps when it's raining. I'll do my best to put my past behind me. It's turning out to be a lot easier than I thought.

The Hour Is Late

This scene feels so unfamiliar. 3am at 3am, the highlight of a year, the end of a good thing, the birth of a song that I feel truly defines who and where I am in life. Conversation is the gateway to the truth and to the feelings that reveal them. For something that felt so one sided at first, it no longer feels that way. Even if the situations I am in don't support that statement. I keep making promises, and I will do everything I can to keep them. I've said this before, a lot can change in a year, a lot can change in a day, but even more can change in a moment.

I'm not in the sleeping mood tonight. The hour is late and I'm saying things I shouldn't say. I am in love with someone I shouldn't be in love with. More than miles separate at this point. I feel I might not be able to turn the page, turn the page, turn the paige. I'll keep reaching out, I'll keep waiting. I've got promises promises to keep. I'm slowed by these cuts, these wounds. These open wounds, they never heal the way they're supposed to. I will try though. With all the things I've learned. I will try, cause this loving you in secret wont do. Would it matter? Would you even know this is about you...