The Hour Is Late

This scene feels so unfamiliar. 3am at 3am, the highlight of a year, the end of a good thing, the birth of a song that I feel truly defines who and where I am in life. Conversation is the gateway to the truth and to the feelings that reveal them. For something that felt so one sided at first, it no longer feels that way. Even if the situations I am in don't support that statement. I keep making promises, and I will do everything I can to keep them. I've said this before, a lot can change in a year, a lot can change in a day, but even more can change in a moment.

I'm not in the sleeping mood tonight. The hour is late and I'm saying things I shouldn't say. I am in love with someone I shouldn't be in love with. More than miles separate at this point. I feel I might not be able to turn the page, turn the page, turn the paige. I'll keep reaching out, I'll keep waiting. I've got promises promises to keep. I'm slowed by these cuts, these wounds. These open wounds, they never heal the way they're supposed to. I will try though. With all the things I've learned. I will try, cause this loving you in secret wont do. Would it matter? Would you even know this is about you...

Chapter 5 (The Road)

It seems to me that I tend to write about girls a lot, or heartbreak. Sometimes the messages are different, sometimes it's just a statement. One thing I feel like I have gotten away from is conveying that message when I can't seem to find the words to say. When words fail... that's what I write for. I am about to move to Austin, TX to take advantage of a great musical opportunity. I seem to have fallen deeper in love with playing music. Nothing compares to sitting in a piano room by myself and writing a song that means something to me. Packing my bags, loading the truck, grabbing some gas, driving to another city and watching someone else sing along to that song. Nothing compares, not my mothers food, not Jeremy's jokes, not Aaron's sarcasm, not my fathers lectures, not Laurens laugh, not Paige's smile, not my brothers charm, no nothing compares. It's funny though, all the things I just mentioned are my inspirations for writing, but that's not what i want to write about right now. I want to write about how my friends help. I want to write about recovery. I want to write about learning. I want to write about myself, my flaws, and my ways. I have to write about this move. It marks a new chapter in my life. The 5th to be specific.

"I've got it all in the boxes now.

I'm moving out to a new hometown.

You say that I'm a leaver, and it's true, I will always leave you when I can't find myself.

This is the song. You are the truth.

I am the wrong that's keeping you, In my bed, when you don't know.

Keep your heart on safe when you take me home.

I can lose my way if you show me the light, and I will find the day in the midst of the night.

You can steal my heart, I've got friends to pull me through, as I'm falling further into you.

I've got my head on my shoulders now.

Cause Cody, and Scott, and Jason showed me how.

You say that I'm a liar, but it's true. I would never lie to you, but I sure as hell will lie to myself.

This is the song. You are the truth.

I am the wrong that's keeping you, in my bed, when you don't know.

Keep your heart on safe when you take me home.

I can lose my way if you show me the light, and I will find the day in the midst of the night.

You can steal my heart, I've got friends to pull me through, as I'm falling further into you.

Nothing compares... Not my mom, and not my father. Not his sons, and not his daughter. Not this lie, or you and I. Not that smile, and not those eyes. I've got friends that keep me close... when the road is my home."

Chapter 4

I can spell Konfusion with a K and I can like it. I seem to be losing myself a little bit these days.

"Love is in your heart for the time being, and Love is in your arms, or so it seems, Love is everything in between you and me and the mistakes you made... you give yourself away, you give yourself away... When love is not enough.
Love does not persuade, love is not afraid. My love is wanting, my love is not wanted right now.
Breathe me in breathe me out so you can see it begin, all the things that you doubt like whether I'm leaving. 2nd month from the start and now you want me to stay... you give yourself away. You give yourself away... When love is not enough."
Watch me turn the page, watch me turn the page, watch me turn the page, watch me turn the page, watch me turn the page, watch me turn the Paige...

You've got his heart and my heart and all of the pain.

Hesitation

Hmmmm so yeah, I got the best/worst news ever. What will come of this? I thought I was making new beginnings that were going a certain way and but it seems they took a turn to a different path. Should I follow my heart or my destiny? That is quite the tough question. I'll give it a week and see what things look like. A lot can change in a week. A lot can change in a day, but more can change in a moment.

"I'm stuck in the moment and my heart sets the current. Where waves feel more like a drip?

My door is always open, but you never seem to step in. Hesitation stains your lips.

Where do we go from here? Where do we go from here?"

Chapter 3

I am in love...

Not what I wanted, nor expected. I'm dealing with it though. Everything is still a secret, and I actually don't mind it staying that way. It's like I'm in my own world when this is a secret. No one knows names, or faces. Only my words will be known. I must find a piano before this melody consumes me. I guess this is the 3RD chapter. Let's see what comes of it. It's not the drugs, or the blood in between my teeth that compels me to say this aloud. It is simply the fact that I need to be honest with myself before I can be honest with the people I write to. If you have ever listened to a song I've written, then know that I have been as honest with you as I possibly could have been. It doesn't matter if we have never met, the point is you have seen me, and heard me at my most naked state. There is more to me than pencil and paper, and a piano, and a tune. However, my music is a piece of who I am. So take it and care for it, love it; and you will always have a part of me with you.

Chapter 2

I misplaced Monday night just where I thought I knew. I'm in a search for Tuesday morning before I lose the afternoon. Wednesday what is that up your sleeve? Is it these lost days or the months in between? This will turn into the next song I keep, cause she is a thief and can't help but steal the bits of me she needs to see.

I, for the first time in a long time feel the blood in my toes, in my face, and in my fingers. I could drown in this feeling. I am lusting, loving, writing, and living. Ha, some of those don't sound too holy, but trust me I've got a handle on it.

Now for some lyrics... They always get me where I need to be. Here I am starting a new chapter in my life. I guess this would be the 2ND chapter. The 1st started when I met... her. That's when I started feeling again. Now the blood is pumping and I feel everything. Every time someone looks, or stares, or wants. I can't say I don't mind, I guess it means I'm on to something great. She is great. I will never be "that guy" though. Jealousy never crept near my feet.

"Everybody wants to be on your mind, cause you're one of a kind. Aren't you baby?
Everybody wants to be on your side. Come along for the ride, if you want to baby.
Don't tell me like it is... just how it could be." - Alex Dezen.

I wonder

Music, music, music... just the thing I need to guide me through these days. My past is returning, sadly it is too late. I shouldn't say sadly though. I am happy it is too late. I happen to love where I am right now. Tired as I am, I wouldn't change a damn thing. I didn't expect to meet this new person. I even more so didn't expect to feel this way. I need to keep a handle on it though, can't rush, yet I can't slow down.

I think I will delve into recent interest. I'm still building this easel. I would have been done by now, but I can't seem to keep myself from taking naps. I'm excited about next weekend actually. I have decided to go visit my friends in Austin. I'll get to see the best friend I haven't seen in a long while. I must say Jeremy has changed a lot. He definitely isn't quite the same person I knew. I still carry all those memories of me, him, and Alden. I Don't know how we grew so far apart. When we are together though. It seem that nothing has changed when we are together though. I'm excited to see this bird I know. It truly has been too long. No interruptions this time.

Last night was truly a night to remember. Things are becoming more and more natural, more and more comfortable. I wonder what this wish is. I wonder what this day brings. I wonder what she's thinking. I wonder...

"I still see my reflection inside of my eyes. They are looking for purpose, they are looking for life." - Jason Wade