3/14/15

found myself, coming out of this little whole I've been in for the last year or so. Trying to figure out my next step. What I've noticed is that I never in my life have known my next step. I've so carelessly stepped without looking for so many years. I think maybe I should keep my habits the same. I mean, look at where I am now. I had no idea my life would be this... me, playing music. I can say that I haven't been this happy, ever. Only one night comes close. My show at the House of Blues. It wasn't even the venue, or the crowd, it was the fact that I came closer to kissing the infamous Sally that night. Probably the closest I've ever come, or ever will. I look to the future, and can't see much room for anything else but the road. I do find myself wishing for more than a simple hope. I find myself wishing for mini pies, oldies music, and 3/14/15. What would you do if I said  "In 10 years you'd be mine". I look to these moments to look past the fact that I am going through some of the hardest years of my life. Right now, this music journey is an uphill battle, and I bet it will happen in a way I wont realize. I've seen the crowds grow over the years, and it seems like I don't even realize they were growing. These in a sense are my hard times. Can you believe that? I'm having the time of my life, I cannot imagine the good times.

"Morning falls like rain, into the city life, there goes another night. I lose my breath in waves, knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass and taking the strife, from all our lives"

Because of you...

I swear I learn something every 5 minutes these days. Tomorrow me and the guys will be on the road to SXSW to perform two shows. Needless to say I am pumped. I absolutely cannot wait to see what the next two years have in store for me and the guys. I'm thinking we are gonna be doing some big things. Oh and on a side note, David Barnes new CD is freaking fantastic. I thought I'd take some time to write some of my thoughts, I haven't had this much on my mind in years. It's amazing how much things can change in such a short amount of time. Last time I was in Austin, my words were taken in a way I didn't expect, and now I seem to have lost someone I cared about. Someone it seems I'll always care about. I guess I should have said something when I had the chance. Chalk it up, another lesson learned. If she decides to come back and at least be my friend, I'll take it. I've never really been fair to myself. This thought occurred to me today, when I realized that I've never really had someone that liked me for reasons other than I played music. I need to be more patient than I have been. There is something out there for me. It's bigger than I can imagine. That's why I have never seen it, and probably wont see it for a while. I need to grow a little more. One thing I cannot escape is my need to write, my need to play. That goes hand in hand with everything that I am. I am my books, my crosswords, my work, my music, my movies, my bed, my room, my empty speech. So I guess those girls that loved me because I played music, loved me for half the right reasons. I want to be every reason. I want to be complete. One thing I can feel in my bones is that A Formal Affair's music is going to change, in so many good ways. Not because of a woman, not because of me, but because of you. If you're reading this, you care about me, you care about my band, and the music we make, and our music will progress because of you.


For your fun fact of the day "The highest point in our solar system is Mount Olympus Mons on the surface of Mars. It's peak extends 15 miles into the martian atmosphere. On top of that, it's a Volcano."

Back to where I found my heart

Today me and the guys are on the road, Austin bound! Tonight is our CD release in that great city. The show will be at Lucky Lounge on 5th street. We're expecting a lot of people, which is always awesome. I'm excited to play for some new faces tonight. Mostly I'm excited to play for the faces that I know. They are all a part of this new album. Whether they know it or not. It's always interesting driving to the next show. I miss it, I didn't do it for a year almost and it killed me. I love the comfort of thinking, the comfort of talking with my friends about my day, my future, our future. Things are taking off for us and I hope it stays that way.

On my usual side note, I've got a lovely present clasped in my hands for a lovely woman. I haven't seen her in almost a year, so it will be great to see her. She does claim a song on this album so she is still obviously important. I'm honestly just looking forward to seeing her again and catching up. Things have changed, but honestly, many things are still the same.

Cstat, music, and late nights

Tonight me and the guys are posted up in College Station getting geared up to play our CD release with Brad Cooper and Johnny Stimson. It's a cold night, bitter cold actually. I always wonder if that will hurt the turnout. In my experience it never does though. When people come out to listen to music that's usually all that matters. Tonight should be an awesome show! We will be posting pics for sure.
In other news, I just finished the 26th chapter of my book Frankenstein the modern depiction from Dean Koontz. It is so far fantastic. I also met someone last night after our show. It was honestly a breathe of fresh air. She was beautiful, funny, and extremely intelligent. Perhaps one of the most intelligent women I have met. Needless to say I kept company with great conversation last night. For some reason when I woke up this morning, I felt like writing. We will see what happens.

The Road Is My Home

So things have begun. We just playe our CD release in Midland, TX. It was epic! You never know how many people will come out to a show when you play in a city you have never played. It was fantastic to see as many people as we did. Me and the guys are going to be on the road a lot the next few months. We plan on relocating in May, more than likely to Dallas. We just want to play and tour and be on the road as much as possible. We would love it we could give all our music away for free. And soon enough, that's probably going to be happening. The more and more people who get our music will hopefully share it with their friends. From there, it will spread. So, right now I am on my way to Wichita Falls Texas to play our CD release. What I'd love is for anyone out there who has our music to share it with a friend. Even if it's just a song. Hell, show ten people. This is me and the guys signing out from the road! Hope to see you at the next show!

SHAME

For the first time in a long time I feel no shame. I am proud of every step I tread. I try and read every chance I get. I love the fact that my relationship with my sister and family is the best it's ever been. My bones are uneasy, I feel the excitement building. My fingers want to play the songs they wrote about a girl they loved. They love. It is my belief that love comes and goes, but really it is always there. I believe it just changes. It will change from one kind of love to another. Sometimes it never changes, and you'd be willing to give up everything for that love. Nothing can come close to the feeling you get just thinking about it. I still say my mother will be the only woman that will NEVER fall out of love with me. Music is the love I will never stray from. When I meet a woman that understands that, well, that will be a good start for me. I still love this love I sing about, but alas, I have no time to love this love closely. I can only admire with unprecedented rapture the beauty she resonates. For now, I'm sure that is enough. At least until another boy has the guts to tell her the things I dare not. I've got miles, and miles, and miles in front of me. I hope everyone I sing to gets a small portrait of this love I picture day in and day out. I hope that when I'm done you can see the paint I've left on each road. Splattered from road to road, until one day, you could see her face from the sky. Only then could someone truly understand what I see. I can assure, no one sees what I see. That, in my belief, is love.

As for what I've learned this week. Volcanoes are extraordinary. However, to the early Christian world, Volcanoes were considered to be evil. The complete incarnation of evil actually. This was derived from the early teachings of Christians that Hell was located somewhere in the center of the earth. Volcanoes were considered gateways to these infernal regions. What's amazing is that these beliefs were held steadfast well on into the nineteenth century. In Dante's Divina Commedia hell is described as a vast crater, and in the center of this crater sat Lucifer. They used to say that the sounds in an eruption were actually the moans of lost souls being tortured in eternal damnation.  In 1653 there was a report from french traveler Martiniere. In this report he claimed that the howling and wailing along the coast of Iceland were the cries of the damned whom the devil had condemned to a frozen prison around the island. He did this so they wouldn't grow accustom the everyday fires of hell. However it was just the rumblings of Mount Hekla. Interesting : )

No More Sally.

I've been thinking, over thinking. I need to get closer to myself. I need to re-trace the steps of my youth. I started as of today, January 26th, at 10:35 PM that I will be. I dare not add an adjective. I will just be. I've been so petty as of late. Wishing for things not in my control. I am studying one again, with a steadfast conviction. I wish to be the wealth of knowledge I used to be. I wish to know the things I used to know so well. I wish for things I have no need to wish for, because they are things completely in my control. I wish to be the brother I once was. I wish to be the son I once was. The friend I see myself becoming in so many of my day dreams. No more heartache, no more regret, no more loneliness, no more Sally. Just music, memories, History, Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, Art, Spanish, French, Literature, Biology, Geology, Theology and the all the things I never studied. All the subjects I failed. I will once a week, post what I've learned on here. Whether they be useless facts or equations, or nothings. However, I hope at times the words I write can be the most interesting thing you may have found.

My name is Adam Patino Rivera, I am 24 years old. I was born October 5th 1987 in Midland, Texas. I don't know what time I was born, or what room, or what floor. What I do know is that my mother was in labor with me for exactly 15 minutes before I took my first breaths. I know my parents loved me the moment they saw me. I know that I've loved them before I ever knew I could. From a cellular level, I know my gratitude for them knows no bounds. I wish I knew more about them. When they met, what she was wearing, what he smelled like. I wish I knew the words they shared their first night together. I wish I knew all the names my Dad could have had, all the times my mother got in trouble and was chided by my grandmother. I wish I was there the first time they said "I love you". I often ponder what love has in store for me. I often think it will never find me again. What I do know is that I've felt it at least once. I know that I liked to have thought I've felt it about a hundred times more. I know that I've come close many times, maybe even touched it, but it slipped from me, in the guise of an 18 year old, in the whims of a brunette, or in the travels of a girl who will soon be a woman.

I am a walking contradiction. I hope, with every fiber of my being, that I find love, or it finds me. I'm not desperate for it. I am patient. My patience stems from my disbelief of it. There are times I don't believe in it's existence; but that disbelief stems from my strong conviction that it is out there. I see husband and wife leave each other an think "love is a fallacy" but then I observe my own existence and think. "I am the culmination of love" If there was ever love, it knew my parents, and it knew them at least 4 times. I one day hope it knows me. At least 6 times. Perhaps that is too much this day and age, but for now I think it is a good start.

"What if"

I like to think in another time and place things could have been mine.
I like to think there was something so grand.
I like to think I was more than my wants, then my petty pleas.
I like to think she was in love with me.
I like to think there will be more than just memories.
I like to think I had avid eyes and timid lips.
I like to think the sun always broke winters grip.
I like to think there was no absolute.
I like to think I spoke the truth.
I like to think your words had no end.
I like to think my colors never had to blend.
I like to think I was never beneath your waves.
I like to think.. I'm glad she never fell in love with me.

You would be astounded at the things you can ponder, when you're still and focus on the contents of your mind. Sometimes you find that your head and heart do not know their place. They venture off as children often do; dashing your heel on a spoke, cracking your lips on ice, burning your hand on the sun, or leaving you alone with the thought of love. You swear it would only take 5 secs of incredible bravery or enormous stupidity, to put it on the line and wait for the nighttime. To make your lips grace a mystery. The fallacy of romance is the stumbling block of the meek and lowly in heart. I tell myself "I'm glad things worked out the way they did" then I think what if. I have so many questions I'll never have answered.  The one thing I know, I swear I know; is that this album will answer a few of them. I hope this collection of music reaches you as it reached me. I hope it makes you think "what if".

This will be the life of me...

"This should be the start of many things. This should be your breath next to me. This should be the end of a chapter, and the start of another. This will be life of me..."

I can't help but imagine she dreams of living near the ocean. I'm sure that's what it is, dreams of life, or something like it. I'm sure there is something there,at least there was something there. I'm sure now that it is gone.

I often misplace my thoughts, I know this. I ramble. This being a perfect example of the latter of my flaws. I stutter when I am nervous. I scratch or rub the posterior region of my head when I am uncomfortable. To many peoples surprise, this happens anytime I am speaking in public. Alas, here I am, a singer. Could I be any more masochistic?   That would be if I had been removed from myself, and not doing it to myself. I wonder what that would be called? In the end I believe I justify this stupidity by simple balance. My love for music and the search for expressionism out-weighs my fear of speaking in public. 

I'm sure at this point my entry makes absolutely no sense. The point is, it is not supposed to. This is me, writing down my thoughts as they occur. For the first time I am trying not to be infringed by filters, or do's, or don'ts. I am uninhibited. I believe it is somewhat serendipitous how I have come to this point in my life. Moving to Wichita, going to school, meeting Lauren, playing music, learning love. Meeting Sally. Green sweaters always seemed to remind me of a walking tree.Tragic, as my mother would describe it. However, never have I ever desired more to be in the shade of a tree. No matter how brief. No matter how sincere. Just to be in that shade. The tree was, at the time, a stranger. Now, a friend is what I see. I'm sure I will always see more. I try not to think of the "You need me, less than I need you" phrase, but that is what comes to mind. I'm sure we have all faced that at one point in our lives.Unrequited love. To those who haven't, I am actually sorry. It is such a pleasure to feel something so grand, even if it is unanswered. The capacity of the heart is truly astounding.

The truth is, this IS the start of a new chapter. However, the book has changed. I am no longer reading, I am writing. So many things changed on the shores of Mexico for me. My lips have not graced another pair since my departure. Both from US soil and my last relationship. For the first time, I wish to be alone. Not in a sad, "pity me" fashion; but as an opportunity to rediscover the parts of me I used to cherish. To truly learn from my mistakes. Like every time I should have taken shade, every time I should have said... something.

On a similar side of brightness, I know what I will be naming this chapter...

"The life of me"

Truth From My Lungs

I've had the strangest night. It is snowing where I am. At the moment it would seem I haven't felt like this since my last night in Cabo. I remember the sea roaring, a storm was coming in, from what people told me that day. I had the privilege of watching the moon take it's place among the stars. I watched it rise from the ocean to the center sky. I observed it change colors; from red, to orange, and then to yellow. I can't remember ever in my life being that close to heaven. I remember thinking I would never again feel this, I would never again capture a moment like this. Alas, December 24th, 2:30 AM, I found myself staring at a similar scene.

I opened the door to my best friends house, the cold was instant. It froze me up, but that isn't what stalled me. The ground, the rooftops, the sidewalk, and pavement were painted white. Snow fell all around and suddenly the cold fled from my bones. I've been listening to a song I recently received from Matt Alsanian, our producer. In my last entry I spoke of the song, "When You're Not Around"; well I had this song in my ears as I left my friends house. I stepped along the sidewalk, and then across the pavement, towards my car. Something made me stop and look back. I could see my foot prints in the snow. They left a perfect impression of what was on my mind. I gazed at the scene before me and couldn't help but sense the irony in me singing "give me the street signs, give me the hours as I retrace the steps that I have devoured." At that moment I took a deep breath, but I did not exhale for fear I'd lose the moment; and in that moment I stooped down and traced a heptagon in the street, and thought about the people in my life. The people that keep me seeing my breath in the atmosphere. In that moment I felt complete again. Over the last year I struggled with being an honest man in the most dishonest time of life. I thought of all the things I've spoken, and pondered if my words were a farce. The truth is, these songs, this album, is the only honest thing I've done in my whole life. From "The Hour Is Late" to "10 Years". Every word I've sung has been a little part of me. The only parts of me I've cared to keep.

In the end, I am thankful for my friends, family, and for those who inspire truth from my lungs.

When You're Not Around

What can I say? I wish I could say everything about this song, but I can't. So for now I'll just say that this song captures a different part of me, and my music. It reminds me of "The Hour Is Late" Even though this song doesn't rock, it is my belief that it will be many peoples favorite. It tugs at my heart when I hear it. I can't wait for everyone to hear this song and take a little piece of me away with them. I want to change someones life. That's always been my goal. In the end what I'm happy about is the song's shortcomings. I got away with writing a beautiful song, but somehow in all it's beauty and effort. It still fell short of measuring up to the person it is about. "There is still this sound when you're not around" and you're never around enough.

Moving On

have not been able to keep my mind from racing. It seems I have someone on my mind. I really need to change this because it's getting me nowhere. I've been trying to focus on my music, but that just seems to make me think of the thing I'm trying to block out. On the bright side of things, my bands CD is about to be released and after that I think I'll be too busy to even think about it. Okay, so I believe I will quit being lazy and start putting up those videos of the songs on the album! Acoustic versions of all! maybe one  a week or 2. I haven't decided. I'll let you guys know. As for my situation, I'm gonna move on from it. After all I said I wanted to be alone. That's what I'm going to be anyway. Especially with the amount of traveling I'm going to embark on this upcoming year. 2012 will be the biggest year of my life! Ready... Set... LIVE!

LOST

I woke up today to find that my life is on the verge of  a major change. We have long since finished the new album Beneath Your Waves, and are now patiently awaiting the mixes. I am anxious for this set of mixes even more so than the others, because the last set of songs have some pretty strong statements in them. Songs like "Receiving You", "Company With Stars" , and "When You're Not Around" are all about the same thing. It's amazing how a different emotion was driven into each song. They all sound so different from each other.  Even a song like "I Was Young" has somehow found it's way into this category. "I Was Young" is a piano rock driven melody. It's much more serious in nature than some of the other tracks like "Lights Go Out". The lyrics are about my return back to Midland. It was strange coming home and feeling like a stranger, not knowing anyone but your family, seeing the landscape change. I listened to a song from The Weakerthans and I truly felt like I should have written it. I remember it so vividly, I was walking downtown late at night and the lyrics painted the exact picture I was in. "This city's still breathing but barely it seems; through buildings gone missing like teeth. The sidewalks are watching me think about you, sparkled with broken glass. I'm back with scars to show, back with the streets I know." I couldn't shake a certain someone from my mind. Sally. I ended up coming home and writing about anything but her. So I wrote about this foreign feeling I felt being in my hometown. I wrote about how I am not the person I used to be. I wrote about my loss of faith, my shame, and eventual gratitude. Other songs on the album are more direct in who or what they are about, such as: "Bring Back Love" "The Right Times", and "Company With Stars". These songs reflect a more personal look at the subject being spoken of in the lyrics. There is one song in particular that pulls at my heart strings. I feel so many feelings when I hear this song. I feel love, regret, desperation, and happiness; but mostly I feel shame. I wrote this song in secret and is the first time I led someone to believe it was about them, when I knew it wasn't. Being honest was never my strong point, but this was different, a line was crossed this time. I wrote the song about a girl I never get to see enough, and how I feel every time I don't see her. How I can keep hoping that she will come around, but faith can only go so far. I wrote how words never find their way from my heart, to my lips, to her ears. They are lost somewhere in route to her. In the end I believe that's where they will stay. Lost.

Your Love Will Be Safe With Me

Me, Jason, Scott, and Jaime are so close to finishing our album, it's driving me crazy. I truly hope that people get what we are trying to do with this album. I don't want to play bar to bar, just entertaining people. I don't want to be background music. I want to show people why I didn't pursue a career in what I was majoring in when I was in college. I want to tell a story with the songs I've written. I want to change lives. I want to change those lives with words. I want to get a message across to the person these songs are about. I want to tell them I know were not meant to be, I know that I wont ever get through to you, just know that I'm always here for you. I wont wait for love, I wont wait for anything. I'll simply just be, and live my life to the fullest, and try to be the best Christian I can be. I like to think I'll know when love has found me. That's good enough for me. The funny thing about myself is that I've already found what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, and that's making and performing music that I'm proud of, music that I love. So from me to you, all of you, any of you, and yes you too Sally; I hope you enjoy what reaches your ears. I appreciate all of your support, my friends, my family, and my loves. Your love will be safe with me.  

NEW SONG!!!!!!

Oh the beauty of a new song, I had this idea for a piano piece and it turned into something else. I'll be posting a video of it as soon as I can get a good take of the band playing it. I seriously have never heard a drum or bass piece quite like this. I encourage my band mates but I also don't want to tell them how incredibly blown I am by this new song. Don't want it to go to their heads lol. Kidding of course. The new song has to go on the album. I'm hoping we can just add it. I don't really want to lose any of the 12 we have right now. Who knows maybe 13 tracks is what we need. The lyrics to the new song are somewhat of a confession. A confession of how I have let one of my most important relationships drift away as of late. Harry and Sally don't speak as much as they should. I also feel like I've danced around who she is long enough. I shouldn't be afraid to say it out loud. I pretty much do in this song. I've never gotten a description of a person, emotion and a feeling better than I managed in this song. For lack of better words, I LOVE THIS SONG! Here ya go... the lyrics.

You won't know

Verse 1

Take that flight to Indiana and you stay in motion.

Dressed to kill and so well mannered, but you've got this notion

Of keeping company with stars. 

I'm keeping company with scars.

Oh yeah.

Verse 2

I'll lay back down and speak the truth that you say you wanted. 

You won't know the things you lose, or the things you taunted.

Up and down my halls. When you knew I wanted all.
Up and down I'd fall. 

Oh yeah.

Chorus

If I spoke to the rain like it speaks to you

If I showed some restraint maybe I'd learn the truth

that 3AM still calls out your name

I'm hoping that you'll fall back in my way

but you won't know.

Verse3

Fly back south to find Savannah and to hear these broken 

notes resound from this piano, oh the way they're spoken.

Through burning lips and blinded tongues

Through parted waves of drowning lungs. 

Repeat Chorus.

Books do a body good.

This is more of a personal update. I'm thinking I'm going to start working out again. I have seriously let my health get out of hand. I've developed a routine for my workout. I've been missing two very important things in my life as of late. I haven't been staying healthy and I haven't been reading like I used to. It's been years since I sat down and read 300 pages of something. I've discovered that novels tend to bore me. It's not that I have no imagination, it's just that I feel no furtherance of knowledge. I feel like I'm not learning. So I will be running to public library every morning and run back. While I'm there I will read books I used to. Textbook-like in nature. I've started simple, a modest 200 page book over American History. Time to get my big brain back. Who know's maybe it will help me write. On a side note, "When You're Not Around" is my new favorite song on my bands upcoming record. I love it.

Oh Helen, you're just like Sally.

This is the 3rd update over the making of my bands first full length album. I hope you enjoy this video and the details to come. Also realized that the video I was looking at was backwards, not the actual video itself. So funny! I am quite the idiot.

By The Light Of The Moon

Here is the next video update for the making of Beneath Your Waves, by band's first LP. The next entry I'll be posting videos from the studio, videos from shows, and pics from our first session.

When you were young

I've been feeling nostalgic lately, I can't explain why either. Everything seems to remind me of something I'm missing. This has led to many sleepless nights. This one seems to be the worst one so far. I literally had to get up, walk to my computer, and write this down. I know the things that I miss. Those thoughts are the things that keep me from sleep. I know as soon as I close my eyes the things I was thinking about will formulate into dreams I will vaguely remember in the morning. I'm writing in this blog while I'm writing letters, letters that may never be responded to. The point is that they will be read, and that's all that matters to me. Beneath Your Waves is so close to being finished. I thought I had finished writing for it, but things just keep coming up. Whether it's a memory I misplaced or Sally running through my mind, or old words from my mother spoken in a new way; things keep popping up to remind me life is fragile and it passes you by. Just recently I drove to the old church I used to go to when I was young. The church that built me. It looked so foreign to me, like a stranger that claimed to have known me once, or a road that you swore you've driven on, like deja vu, like a dream you can't remember. It made me evaluate my life, all the times I've said "I love you" and never understood what those words could mean. All the oaths I've forgotten, all the promises I've broken, all the words I never meant. It made me think of the one person I could never forget, It made me think of the one person I've never known. The one person I can't bring myself to lie to anymore.

"Liar liar don't you ever get tired of singing these songs for a love that may never come?"

Making of an Album Vlog 1

To all of those reading, watching, or following this blog, Thank you for the support and interest. I'll be posting up maybe one or 2 of these vlogs each week. This will be the only place to get new info about the album, sneak peeks, and updates! I hope y'all enjoy the insights, and the words. After all, they are all I have.