When you were young

I've been feeling nostalgic lately, I can't explain why either. Everything seems to remind me of something I'm missing. This has led to many sleepless nights. This one seems to be the worst one so far. I literally had to get up, walk to my computer, and write this down. I know the things that I miss. Those thoughts are the things that keep me from sleep. I know as soon as I close my eyes the things I was thinking about will formulate into dreams I will vaguely remember in the morning. I'm writing in this blog while I'm writing letters, letters that may never be responded to. The point is that they will be read, and that's all that matters to me. Beneath Your Waves is so close to being finished. I thought I had finished writing for it, but things just keep coming up. Whether it's a memory I misplaced or Sally running through my mind, or old words from my mother spoken in a new way; things keep popping up to remind me life is fragile and it passes you by. Just recently I drove to the old church I used to go to when I was young. The church that built me. It looked so foreign to me, like a stranger that claimed to have known me once, or a road that you swore you've driven on, like deja vu, like a dream you can't remember. It made me evaluate my life, all the times I've said "I love you" and never understood what those words could mean. All the oaths I've forgotten, all the promises I've broken, all the words I never meant. It made me think of the one person I could never forget, It made me think of the one person I've never known. The one person I can't bring myself to lie to anymore.

"Liar liar don't you ever get tired of singing these songs for a love that may never come?"

Making of an Album Vlog 1

To all of those reading, watching, or following this blog, Thank you for the support and interest. I'll be posting up maybe one or 2 of these vlogs each week. This will be the only place to get new info about the album, sneak peeks, and updates! I hope y'all enjoy the insights, and the words. After all, they are all I have.

My heart never lost you...

So I've long been done writing for the album, but for some reason there has been this feeling in me. For a few weeks now, it's been itching to surface. I've often described what it's like writing a song. The feelings before, the feelings after, what's happening as I am writing it. It often varies. However, this time I could feel it. It revealed itself in pieces. Day to day it was another thought, another lyric.

Ya see I've got this friend, lets call her Sally, who I'm completely obsessed with. I don't think I am, but my friends often joke that I am. To tell the truth, she fades in and out of my thoughts. Only by control of my will. If I did not monitor these thoughts, she would probably run rampant throughout my brain. Day by day I'll try and put her out of my mind, so I can function about normally. The truth is I don't feel like I did last year. I am completely different. As a result, I realized I can lose her in my thoughts, there I can go as fast as I want. My heart however, never lost her. So I'm left with a painful reminder of my feelings every time I talk to her. It's rather stupid.

I am truly just trying to be her friend these days. I think we may in the end be too different from each other to ever be anything more than friends. I am after all non-fixable. I am an awful person that no one should want to date, that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I'm just trying to deal with them in my own way. I'll sort out the truth later. Either way here it is... lyrics here, the video is on my facebook.

Inside Out

"Settle down Sally, don't say a word, life ain't what you think it is. It's only what you'd prefer.

The day spoke out to me and said, son you're much too young to live like love is the only blessing that never comes.

Take another look now, I've got my heart inside out. But you'll find a way to bring it back down to you, cause my heart never lost you.

Settle down Sally, don't make a sound. Cause I lost my voice when my heart first hit the ground. I don't feel like I did last year. I don't feel like these words have reached your ears. So listen close love, and I'll sing you a song that bears the truth that you knew all along.

Take another look now, I've got my heart inside out. But you'll find a way to bring it back down to you,, cause my heart never lost you.

Testing testing 1, 2, 3... is your heart still beating?

Testing testing 1, 2, 3... is your heart still beating?

Testing testing 1, 2, 3... is your heart still beating.

Take another look now, I've got my heart inside out. But you'll find a way to bring it back down to you, cause my heart never lost you.

My heart never lost you.

My heart never lost you.

LCD we meet again...

Looks like it's gonna be a struggle to get healthy again. I awoke throwing up this morning. I didn't want to alarm anyone, so I told them it was my duodenum acting up again. It was as I feared though. I'm extremely anemic, and my duodenum has failed, I am also experiencing gall bladder failure. It's gonna be a long road back to get healthy. I just hate it. I let this happen to myself though. I'm gonna try and fix myself, I've needed repair in so many parts of my life. This is just a new one to add to the list. Looks like it's salads and water for the rest of the year.

In other news, I am all settled in. It's great to be back home. You never realize how much you miss your home, and your family, till you go out and make new ones. It's only then that you realize nothing will ever compete with what you had when you were young. At least for me it's like that. I grew up in a happy home. My parents loved each other. I never lacked for any immaterial thing. We were not rich by any means, but it was home; and we entertained ourselves. I love being back. Most people would be ashamed to come home and live with their mother, but to me it's like starting over. It's also not permanent. It's actually a vacation for me. I'm a simple man, you can keep Cabo San Lucas; I'll take home any day. I've got my room set up just the way I would want it anywhere. I have music playing all day. I am reading books and books and books. I feel intelligent again. Overall I just feel great, other than physically.

I hope to see Bird when she returns to the states. I'm tired of being a contradicting jerk. I just want to see you, nothing more, nothing less.

I can't make you love me, if you don't.

I am in love with this cover song right now. Funny how just when you think a wound has healed it opens back up and hurts just a little more than it did before. I'm still on track with trying to start over. I'm picking up the pieces of my life that I seem to have lost along the way and I'm mending the cracks. I'll fix it up and I just know I'll shine like new. There is a lot out there for me, and I'm excited to see what it is. I just know that I'm always going to have this hope... even if it is in vain. I'd sing a thousand songs if it meant one would get through to her. I guess for the time being I'll remain beneath you waves.

Come To Life

And just like that, he found his way... The album has come to life.

I'm officially done writing for my bands first full length album, we have 12 brand new songs that have taken life. I'm really excited to hear what our CD will sound like. I've been very busy, I haven't had any distractions. I'm back home with the people that matter most in my life. I do miss Jeremy and Alden, and Lauren, and Ayrian, but mostly I miss that Sally girl. If I were to dedicate this album to anyone it would be her. Literally the majority of the album is about her and she doesn't even know, or maybe she might. She is a bright girl. I know she doesn't read my blog though, which is a good thing, I'll never say her name out loud. Then there is that Bird... any song that isn't written about Sally is written about Bird. It's strange to see the songs written about Lauren. They all seem to be farewell songs. Like "Save Me" and "Contracts", also "Take 2" they all speak of where the road has taken me and her. I have never been happier to have known someone and be blessed that they are still in my life. Like the last conversation we had though I think it's true that our road is a road of friendship these days. I can say that if it were not for her I would not be a musician today.

I just finished wrapping up the last song "The Right Times" Which is about miss Sally. When I showed the guys it immediately became a contender for the album, then as soon as we all played it together, it became the favorite, and now it's the single. It will be the song we push for the radio. One of my personal favs is "Receiving You" it's a song about both Sally and Lauren. It's a very interesting song. A lot of truth and self loathing wrapped in good music and little secrets. This album is going to define the last 6 years of my life. For those interested and wanting a sneak peak into the songs. Here they are, the ones in bold are already studio recorded. We finished them in our first session in May.

1. Save Me

2. The Right Times

3. Take 2

4. Receiving You

5. Bring Back Love (Harry and Sally

6. Contracts

7. Lights Go Out

8. I've Got Friends

9. Flatline

10. When You're Not Around

11. Liar Liar

12 I Wanted Hayley All Along

10 Years

I'm back from Cabo, AKA worst/best trip I've ever taken. If I had not taken this trip, I would not have come to the conclusions I possess today. I started writing in a journal when I got there, but I wrote this bit in the airport. So I've decided to transfer writings from there to here, my blog.

10 Years

June 18th, Saturday Morning.

Today marks the first day of honesty for me. So to begin, I guess I should say this isn't my first entry. I wrote in this booklet upon landing in Mexico. I tore out the pages because what I wrote was a lie. It is quite a shame that I've had to lie to myself. I wrote to a stranger over the last week, about a song. A song I tried to hide. When I took the time to reflect on it I realized that I was able to write one of the most honest songs I've ever written in the most dishonest times of my life. In a time where I lied to everyone close to me. When I lied to the very beating in my chest. I am not proud. I am indeed ashamed. I don't even know why I lied in the first place.

Now I'm back in the air, these flights connect in a city that holds both good and bad memories for me. For the first time I'm taking these memories to the sky. I'm taking them with me. I've always left them there to remind me anytime I show up. I need to carry them with me. Bear the weight. This road I'm approaching will not be an easy one. I don't think I've ever done anything like this. Maybe it's the altitude or the way the atmosphere tastes but this ringing in my ears wont stop. Ha, I'm thinking it's the altitude. After all your head can only be so full when you're this close to the heavens. I have so many questions I need answered. I've decided to take the narrow road to seek out these answers. Maybe it's in my stars that I'll find them. Before I can get what I desire, I must admit the truth.

My name is Adam Patino Rivera. I was born October 5th 1987. I am a terrible, terrible person. I am a compulsive liar. I've been in love once, I think. I was simply too young and stupid to understand it. My father has always been right. I love my family more than I can stand, yet i don't show it like I should. The people I claim as my best friends are as different as they are similar to me. Music means more than anything to me. More than love, more than any girl. It defines me, and I would be naked without it. I have feelings fora friend that I shouldn't. Not because she is young, or far away, or has different religious beliefs; but because she will truly break my heart one day. Still... I hope that maybe I'll see her in 10 years. 6/18/11