Chapter 3

I am in love...

Not what I wanted, nor expected. I'm dealing with it though. Everything is still a secret, and I actually don't mind it staying that way. It's like I'm in my own world when this is a secret. No one knows names, or faces. Only my words will be known. I must find a piano before this melody consumes me. I guess this is the 3RD chapter. Let's see what comes of it. It's not the drugs, or the blood in between my teeth that compels me to say this aloud. It is simply the fact that I need to be honest with myself before I can be honest with the people I write to. If you have ever listened to a song I've written, then know that I have been as honest with you as I possibly could have been. It doesn't matter if we have never met, the point is you have seen me, and heard me at my most naked state. There is more to me than pencil and paper, and a piano, and a tune. However, my music is a piece of who I am. So take it and care for it, love it; and you will always have a part of me with you.

Chapter 2

I misplaced Monday night just where I thought I knew. I'm in a search for Tuesday morning before I lose the afternoon. Wednesday what is that up your sleeve? Is it these lost days or the months in between? This will turn into the next song I keep, cause she is a thief and can't help but steal the bits of me she needs to see.

I, for the first time in a long time feel the blood in my toes, in my face, and in my fingers. I could drown in this feeling. I am lusting, loving, writing, and living. Ha, some of those don't sound too holy, but trust me I've got a handle on it.

Now for some lyrics... They always get me where I need to be. Here I am starting a new chapter in my life. I guess this would be the 2ND chapter. The 1st started when I met... her. That's when I started feeling again. Now the blood is pumping and I feel everything. Every time someone looks, or stares, or wants. I can't say I don't mind, I guess it means I'm on to something great. She is great. I will never be "that guy" though. Jealousy never crept near my feet.

"Everybody wants to be on your mind, cause you're one of a kind. Aren't you baby?
Everybody wants to be on your side. Come along for the ride, if you want to baby.
Don't tell me like it is... just how it could be." - Alex Dezen.

I wonder

Music, music, music... just the thing I need to guide me through these days. My past is returning, sadly it is too late. I shouldn't say sadly though. I am happy it is too late. I happen to love where I am right now. Tired as I am, I wouldn't change a damn thing. I didn't expect to meet this new person. I even more so didn't expect to feel this way. I need to keep a handle on it though, can't rush, yet I can't slow down.

I think I will delve into recent interest. I'm still building this easel. I would have been done by now, but I can't seem to keep myself from taking naps. I'm excited about next weekend actually. I have decided to go visit my friends in Austin. I'll get to see the best friend I haven't seen in a long while. I must say Jeremy has changed a lot. He definitely isn't quite the same person I knew. I still carry all those memories of me, him, and Alden. I Don't know how we grew so far apart. When we are together though. It seem that nothing has changed when we are together though. I'm excited to see this bird I know. It truly has been too long. No interruptions this time.

Last night was truly a night to remember. Things are becoming more and more natural, more and more comfortable. I wonder what this wish is. I wonder what this day brings. I wonder what she's thinking. I wonder...

"I still see my reflection inside of my eyes. They are looking for purpose, they are looking for life." - Jason Wade

Chapter 1

So I guess it starts here. A new story if you will. There will be some people you recognize, and there will also be new characters introduced. This is the first chapter. It isn't very long. Let's start it by saying I hear a heartbeat.

"She's got a way with words, but they never say anything you want to hear. She's got a way with time, but it's never on your side. It's keeping me in the past. She'll write it on her skin, so that it sinks in, it's everything she wants to do. I can feel it in my bones, can you feel it too?"

This is the first chapter... some might say the first verse. We will see where the chorus takes me. One thing I know is that my voice has returned.

"Her last time to feel clean, in broken english she says... I lost everything." -TWT

May 12th 2010

Happiness

Needless to say I am exhausted. Exhausted... I love that word. Mainly because it sounds like what it is. I can't remember the last time I was this tired. It is definitely something I can get used to though. I was listening to a song last night "Happiness" by The Fray. What is happiness? Is it a state of being happy? Full of laughter? An absent of sadness? The truth is "happiness is a lot like sorrow, you can't make it come or go" It comes when it wants, and it leaves just the same. I am truly a happy person at the moment. There are still however, a few things weighing me down. The lack of happiness isn't one of them.

The absence of my family, constant struggles with a friend, a current situation, the uncertainty of pursuing music. These are the things that make me nervous. I don't know why I started writing in this thing again. All I know is that I feel much better after writing. Sometimes I wonder who reads this, and I wonder if it helps them know me better. I have been told by more than one person that for some reason, the things I write have pertinence to more than just myself. I was told my words, my thoughts, my outlook are things that people listen too. I don't know why either.

I can't seem to go the piano room at MSU and not feel inspired. Just the other day, I was there with someone and was overwhelmed with a need to write, and again last night. I felt a heart beat... really beat. It was astounding. It made me want to write something that fit the rhythm I heard.

Here goes nothing...

May 11th 2010

I Feel..

I'm feeling different these days. I am losing my breath in waves. I truly have not felt like this in years. I am constantly writing, on paper napkins, on cups, on post its, on my hands. This woman is completely different from what I have known. I started studying medicine again, I started listening to a new genre, I started writing again, I've started staying up, I've started waking up tired and alive at the same time, She is much like a drug, I have started...

This isn't another song... these are just my thoughts. This is what I'm feeling. Sometimes it's hard for me to articulate what I want to say when I'm out and about. Sometimes it's easier for me to sit down and organize my thoughts. I wouldn't make sense if I just said everything on my mind at once, without a filter. I'm sure it would be amusing though. It would be a jumble of personalities, bodily observations, and questions. Only my closest friends seem to follow my blog, so I guess it's fitting that y'all know these things.

I'm going to start giving piano lessons again and that excites me : )

I'm dreading something... I know it's going to effect my situation drastically, i can't seem to speak up about it, for fear I'll sink the ship and drag us both down. I'm sure I'm not making sense anymore so I'll leave it at that. I think I'm going to start writing in this everyday. I would like to monitor these days... They seem to be important for a reason I can't explain nor comprehend. The one thing I can say is that my heart is beating... whether it's half of my heart, or the whole thing. The point is that it's beating and for once in a long time... I feel.

May 10th, 2010