3/14/15

found myself, coming out of this little whole I've been in for the last year or so. Trying to figure out my next step. What I've noticed is that I never in my life have known my next step. I've so carelessly stepped without looking for so many years. I think maybe I should keep my habits the same. I mean, look at where I am now. I had no idea my life would be this... me, playing music. I can say that I haven't been this happy, ever. Only one night comes close. My show at the House of Blues. It wasn't even the venue, or the crowd, it was the fact that I came closer to kissing the infamous Sally that night. Probably the closest I've ever come, or ever will. I look to the future, and can't see much room for anything else but the road. I do find myself wishing for more than a simple hope. I find myself wishing for mini pies, oldies music, and 3/14/15. What would you do if I said  "In 10 years you'd be mine". I look to these moments to look past the fact that I am going through some of the hardest years of my life. Right now, this music journey is an uphill battle, and I bet it will happen in a way I wont realize. I've seen the crowds grow over the years, and it seems like I don't even realize they were growing. These in a sense are my hard times. Can you believe that? I'm having the time of my life, I cannot imagine the good times.

"Morning falls like rain, into the city life, there goes another night. I lose my breath in waves, knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass and taking the strife, from all our lives"

Because of you...

I swear I learn something every 5 minutes these days. Tomorrow me and the guys will be on the road to SXSW to perform two shows. Needless to say I am pumped. I absolutely cannot wait to see what the next two years have in store for me and the guys. I'm thinking we are gonna be doing some big things. Oh and on a side note, David Barnes new CD is freaking fantastic. I thought I'd take some time to write some of my thoughts, I haven't had this much on my mind in years. It's amazing how much things can change in such a short amount of time. Last time I was in Austin, my words were taken in a way I didn't expect, and now I seem to have lost someone I cared about. Someone it seems I'll always care about. I guess I should have said something when I had the chance. Chalk it up, another lesson learned. If she decides to come back and at least be my friend, I'll take it. I've never really been fair to myself. This thought occurred to me today, when I realized that I've never really had someone that liked me for reasons other than I played music. I need to be more patient than I have been. There is something out there for me. It's bigger than I can imagine. That's why I have never seen it, and probably wont see it for a while. I need to grow a little more. One thing I cannot escape is my need to write, my need to play. That goes hand in hand with everything that I am. I am my books, my crosswords, my work, my music, my movies, my bed, my room, my empty speech. So I guess those girls that loved me because I played music, loved me for half the right reasons. I want to be every reason. I want to be complete. One thing I can feel in my bones is that A Formal Affair's music is going to change, in so many good ways. Not because of a woman, not because of me, but because of you. If you're reading this, you care about me, you care about my band, and the music we make, and our music will progress because of you.


For your fun fact of the day "The highest point in our solar system is Mount Olympus Mons on the surface of Mars. It's peak extends 15 miles into the martian atmosphere. On top of that, it's a Volcano."

Back to where I found my heart

Today me and the guys are on the road, Austin bound! Tonight is our CD release in that great city. The show will be at Lucky Lounge on 5th street. We're expecting a lot of people, which is always awesome. I'm excited to play for some new faces tonight. Mostly I'm excited to play for the faces that I know. They are all a part of this new album. Whether they know it or not. It's always interesting driving to the next show. I miss it, I didn't do it for a year almost and it killed me. I love the comfort of thinking, the comfort of talking with my friends about my day, my future, our future. Things are taking off for us and I hope it stays that way.

On my usual side note, I've got a lovely present clasped in my hands for a lovely woman. I haven't seen her in almost a year, so it will be great to see her. She does claim a song on this album so she is still obviously important. I'm honestly just looking forward to seeing her again and catching up. Things have changed, but honestly, many things are still the same.

Cstat, music, and late nights

Tonight me and the guys are posted up in College Station getting geared up to play our CD release with Brad Cooper and Johnny Stimson. It's a cold night, bitter cold actually. I always wonder if that will hurt the turnout. In my experience it never does though. When people come out to listen to music that's usually all that matters. Tonight should be an awesome show! We will be posting pics for sure.
In other news, I just finished the 26th chapter of my book Frankenstein the modern depiction from Dean Koontz. It is so far fantastic. I also met someone last night after our show. It was honestly a breathe of fresh air. She was beautiful, funny, and extremely intelligent. Perhaps one of the most intelligent women I have met. Needless to say I kept company with great conversation last night. For some reason when I woke up this morning, I felt like writing. We will see what happens.

The Road Is My Home

So things have begun. We just playe our CD release in Midland, TX. It was epic! You never know how many people will come out to a show when you play in a city you have never played. It was fantastic to see as many people as we did. Me and the guys are going to be on the road a lot the next few months. We plan on relocating in May, more than likely to Dallas. We just want to play and tour and be on the road as much as possible. We would love it we could give all our music away for free. And soon enough, that's probably going to be happening. The more and more people who get our music will hopefully share it with their friends. From there, it will spread. So, right now I am on my way to Wichita Falls Texas to play our CD release. What I'd love is for anyone out there who has our music to share it with a friend. Even if it's just a song. Hell, show ten people. This is me and the guys signing out from the road! Hope to see you at the next show!

SHAME

For the first time in a long time I feel no shame. I am proud of every step I tread. I try and read every chance I get. I love the fact that my relationship with my sister and family is the best it's ever been. My bones are uneasy, I feel the excitement building. My fingers want to play the songs they wrote about a girl they loved. They love. It is my belief that love comes and goes, but really it is always there. I believe it just changes. It will change from one kind of love to another. Sometimes it never changes, and you'd be willing to give up everything for that love. Nothing can come close to the feeling you get just thinking about it. I still say my mother will be the only woman that will NEVER fall out of love with me. Music is the love I will never stray from. When I meet a woman that understands that, well, that will be a good start for me. I still love this love I sing about, but alas, I have no time to love this love closely. I can only admire with unprecedented rapture the beauty she resonates. For now, I'm sure that is enough. At least until another boy has the guts to tell her the things I dare not. I've got miles, and miles, and miles in front of me. I hope everyone I sing to gets a small portrait of this love I picture day in and day out. I hope that when I'm done you can see the paint I've left on each road. Splattered from road to road, until one day, you could see her face from the sky. Only then could someone truly understand what I see. I can assure, no one sees what I see. That, in my belief, is love.

As for what I've learned this week. Volcanoes are extraordinary. However, to the early Christian world, Volcanoes were considered to be evil. The complete incarnation of evil actually. This was derived from the early teachings of Christians that Hell was located somewhere in the center of the earth. Volcanoes were considered gateways to these infernal regions. What's amazing is that these beliefs were held steadfast well on into the nineteenth century. In Dante's Divina Commedia hell is described as a vast crater, and in the center of this crater sat Lucifer. They used to say that the sounds in an eruption were actually the moans of lost souls being tortured in eternal damnation.  In 1653 there was a report from french traveler Martiniere. In this report he claimed that the howling and wailing along the coast of Iceland were the cries of the damned whom the devil had condemned to a frozen prison around the island. He did this so they wouldn't grow accustom the everyday fires of hell. However it was just the rumblings of Mount Hekla. Interesting : )

No More Sally.

I've been thinking, over thinking. I need to get closer to myself. I need to re-trace the steps of my youth. I started as of today, January 26th, at 10:35 PM that I will be. I dare not add an adjective. I will just be. I've been so petty as of late. Wishing for things not in my control. I am studying one again, with a steadfast conviction. I wish to be the wealth of knowledge I used to be. I wish to know the things I used to know so well. I wish for things I have no need to wish for, because they are things completely in my control. I wish to be the brother I once was. I wish to be the son I once was. The friend I see myself becoming in so many of my day dreams. No more heartache, no more regret, no more loneliness, no more Sally. Just music, memories, History, Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, Art, Spanish, French, Literature, Biology, Geology, Theology and the all the things I never studied. All the subjects I failed. I will once a week, post what I've learned on here. Whether they be useless facts or equations, or nothings. However, I hope at times the words I write can be the most interesting thing you may have found.

My name is Adam Patino Rivera, I am 24 years old. I was born October 5th 1987 in Midland, Texas. I don't know what time I was born, or what room, or what floor. What I do know is that my mother was in labor with me for exactly 15 minutes before I took my first breaths. I know my parents loved me the moment they saw me. I know that I've loved them before I ever knew I could. From a cellular level, I know my gratitude for them knows no bounds. I wish I knew more about them. When they met, what she was wearing, what he smelled like. I wish I knew the words they shared their first night together. I wish I knew all the names my Dad could have had, all the times my mother got in trouble and was chided by my grandmother. I wish I was there the first time they said "I love you". I often ponder what love has in store for me. I often think it will never find me again. What I do know is that I've felt it at least once. I know that I liked to have thought I've felt it about a hundred times more. I know that I've come close many times, maybe even touched it, but it slipped from me, in the guise of an 18 year old, in the whims of a brunette, or in the travels of a girl who will soon be a woman.

I am a walking contradiction. I hope, with every fiber of my being, that I find love, or it finds me. I'm not desperate for it. I am patient. My patience stems from my disbelief of it. There are times I don't believe in it's existence; but that disbelief stems from my strong conviction that it is out there. I see husband and wife leave each other an think "love is a fallacy" but then I observe my own existence and think. "I am the culmination of love" If there was ever love, it knew my parents, and it knew them at least 4 times. I one day hope it knows me. At least 6 times. Perhaps that is too much this day and age, but for now I think it is a good start.

"What if"

I like to think in another time and place things could have been mine.
I like to think there was something so grand.
I like to think I was more than my wants, then my petty pleas.
I like to think she was in love with me.
I like to think there will be more than just memories.
I like to think I had avid eyes and timid lips.
I like to think the sun always broke winters grip.
I like to think there was no absolute.
I like to think I spoke the truth.
I like to think your words had no end.
I like to think my colors never had to blend.
I like to think I was never beneath your waves.
I like to think.. I'm glad she never fell in love with me.

You would be astounded at the things you can ponder, when you're still and focus on the contents of your mind. Sometimes you find that your head and heart do not know their place. They venture off as children often do; dashing your heel on a spoke, cracking your lips on ice, burning your hand on the sun, or leaving you alone with the thought of love. You swear it would only take 5 secs of incredible bravery or enormous stupidity, to put it on the line and wait for the nighttime. To make your lips grace a mystery. The fallacy of romance is the stumbling block of the meek and lowly in heart. I tell myself "I'm glad things worked out the way they did" then I think what if. I have so many questions I'll never have answered.  The one thing I know, I swear I know; is that this album will answer a few of them. I hope this collection of music reaches you as it reached me. I hope it makes you think "what if".

This will be the life of me...

"This should be the start of many things. This should be your breath next to me. This should be the end of a chapter, and the start of another. This will be life of me..."

I can't help but imagine she dreams of living near the ocean. I'm sure that's what it is, dreams of life, or something like it. I'm sure there is something there,at least there was something there. I'm sure now that it is gone.

I often misplace my thoughts, I know this. I ramble. This being a perfect example of the latter of my flaws. I stutter when I am nervous. I scratch or rub the posterior region of my head when I am uncomfortable. To many peoples surprise, this happens anytime I am speaking in public. Alas, here I am, a singer. Could I be any more masochistic?   That would be if I had been removed from myself, and not doing it to myself. I wonder what that would be called? In the end I believe I justify this stupidity by simple balance. My love for music and the search for expressionism out-weighs my fear of speaking in public. 

I'm sure at this point my entry makes absolutely no sense. The point is, it is not supposed to. This is me, writing down my thoughts as they occur. For the first time I am trying not to be infringed by filters, or do's, or don'ts. I am uninhibited. I believe it is somewhat serendipitous how I have come to this point in my life. Moving to Wichita, going to school, meeting Lauren, playing music, learning love. Meeting Sally. Green sweaters always seemed to remind me of a walking tree.Tragic, as my mother would describe it. However, never have I ever desired more to be in the shade of a tree. No matter how brief. No matter how sincere. Just to be in that shade. The tree was, at the time, a stranger. Now, a friend is what I see. I'm sure I will always see more. I try not to think of the "You need me, less than I need you" phrase, but that is what comes to mind. I'm sure we have all faced that at one point in our lives.Unrequited love. To those who haven't, I am actually sorry. It is such a pleasure to feel something so grand, even if it is unanswered. The capacity of the heart is truly astounding.

The truth is, this IS the start of a new chapter. However, the book has changed. I am no longer reading, I am writing. So many things changed on the shores of Mexico for me. My lips have not graced another pair since my departure. Both from US soil and my last relationship. For the first time, I wish to be alone. Not in a sad, "pity me" fashion; but as an opportunity to rediscover the parts of me I used to cherish. To truly learn from my mistakes. Like every time I should have taken shade, every time I should have said... something.

On a similar side of brightness, I know what I will be naming this chapter...

"The life of me"